Who determines your confidence? Who decides if you have self-confidence and what the level of it is? Who’s in charge of how you feel about yourself, how confidently you live your life or how able you are to achieve your goals? Is it you or others? If you’ve been allowing others to say things or do things to yo-yo your confidence you need to stop and read this story!

Who determines your confidence


Get out of this mind-set of allowing other people to set the mood for how you feel about yourself

As my family and I were driving home from worship last Sunday, my daughters decided they were going to take away man points from my husband (their dad) because of an arbitrary observation they’d made. My husband wasn’t at any time worried about losing man-points to his daughters. In fact, he told them that he was positive that their judgement of his manliness had nothing to do with reality. However, the girls had made up their mind. They reckoned that out of a possible 10 man-points, their dad had lost 4 for what he did.

What did he do to lose 4 points off his entire worth? He’s made some mixed CDs to play in the car on his way to work, and on one if them he’d included Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’. ‘Let’s see how many more man points you can lose before we get home, Dad!’ They said to him. ‘Let’s see if you can lose all your man-points.’

Why was this observation was never going to be applicable

  • I’m the only person that  his supposed ‘man-points should’ve meant anything to
  • If there were man-points to be given out, the girls were in no way qualified to make that judgement as to who received them.
  • The reason for the deduction of ‘man-points’ or worth was arbitrary. It was randomly made up by two bored girls.
  • Man-points mean very little in the wider scheme of things. My husband is a great dad and husband. He’s intelligent, has a very good job, and wins awards in cricket each season (plus he plays a mean game of football).

Are you allowing people to determine your confidence?


Like the above story, when you allow people to determine your self-confidence (man or woman-points) they run wild with it.
They know nothing about you, they don’t care much about what you do or who you are. If you don’t match up to an arbitrary picture they have of you in their head, they subtract points from what they think you’re worth. The saddest part of this is that sometimes you agree with them!
One thing you always have to remember is that you haven’t lost self-confidence about what happened back then. You’ve got low confidence because how it makes you feel now. 
The great thing is that you can fix now! 

How we allow people to determine our confidence

  • We allow what they do to us to affect us way into the future. If someone once told you you could never be promoted and you still think you can’t, you’ve allowed them to determine your confidence.
  • We sit on our hands because we think they’re better than us. We won’t dare speak or attempt to do anything for which they could judge our ability.
  • We’re scared of how they’d react if we gave our viewpoint when it’s opposite to what they think. We’ve allowed them to rob us of our voice and even our thoughts because we’re afraid our thoughts are wrong if we know they won’t agree.

How to take control and determine your confidence


Work out the people in your life who matter to you. Only their opinions matter. If they’re pulling you down, they’ve lost this privilege. Remember that you’re allowing their opinions to matter to you. If they’re not constructive in their criticism and are just pulling you down, take back the privilege. It’s yours to give. It’s yours to retract.

Work out if the people judging your confidence have any qualifications to do so. For example, do they know you well. Do they know of your struggle. Do they know where you’ve come from and how far you’ve travelled in your life. How about their own lives – are they portraying what they’re preaching to you in their own lives?

Work out how meaningful the criticism is. In the story, my girls were just bored and made up the rules as they went along.  Are you sacrificing and voluntarily releasing your self-confidence to people who’re just bored, out to get you, not even paying attention to what they’re doing, just out to have some fun etc. The next time you become upset and lose face or confidence over something someone has said or done to you, ask yourself why.

Why are you allowing your valuable self-confidence to stumble over something someone said just for fun.

Work out how well you do in the other parts of your life. Okay, you may not have good leadership skills and someone told you so. However, how important is this to your overall life skills? Surely, you can learn leadership skills! Even if you don’t want to do so, your life has so long led you down various paths. You’ve developed a lot of skills that may mean you don’t need good leadership skills. You may never need it in your job. You may be so charming, people follow you anyway.

Besides, if we all had leadership skills who would do the important behind-the-scenes work? Radiographers, costume designers, music, film and book editors, script writers, architects, examiners, website designers, bloggers etc, all do important behind-the scenes work that will never require leadership skills.

So who determines your confidence? Is it you or others? How can you take back some of that power you’ve given away to them? Please share your thoughts and tips in the comment section below. Thank you. 

25 Responses to “Who Determines Your Confidence”

  1. Dennis Do says:

    Hey Anne,

    The part about taking control of your confidence was a very uplifting read. I have had people judge me but as I read this, a light bulb went off in my head. Some people just don’t know what I’ve been through or who I really am, yet I allowed it to get to me.

    But of course, I’ve gotten better over the years. I can tell when someone is straight up trolling me or just trying to make my life miserable. It does take a lot of self reassurance to overcome something like this though, so thanks again for the uplifting read!

  2. Such an important message Anne! What immediately came to mind was the influence others can have over our lives – if we let them – bullies for example. Far too many children grow into adults carrying around the hurt and damage done by thoughtless bullies. As if that weren’t bad enough, it’s far easier to let others influence our confidence once it’s already been weakened. Wonderful advice – thanks (as always) for the inspiration!
    marquita herald recently posted..Rediscover the Magic of Impossible DreamsMy Profile

    • Anne says:

      You’re welcome, Marty. And thanks for your input.

      We don’t realise how much power we’re giving to others to rule our lives for us. Sometimes I think it’s easier to allow others to influence how far we go, because at least – we have a reason to fail.

      I think we all do it to some extent. I hope that people reading this post will realise that it’s time to take back control.

  3. Hiten says:

    Hi Anne,

    This was a very powerful post with such an important message. I loved the way you explained it.

    You are right, we can so easily be seduced by other’s views and opinions of us that it can negatively impact our self-confidence.

    As you say, many people who behave like this do not know anything about us or where we have come from. Equally, those who do and still choose to behave this way can easily have the privilege taken away from them.

    One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves to ignore such behaviour and comments, remain resourceful and know that we truly have infinite potential.

    I loved this post!

    • Anne says:

      I’m so glad you liked the post, Hiten.

      The thing is, we seem to believe others’ representation of ourself more than we do our own. It’s quite a strange concept, but I know quite a few people who won’t take compliments. Yet, they believe every bad word said about themselves.

      Thanks for adding to the post and conversation.

  4. Thanks Anne for this wonderful post, I am going to forward this link to a few closed ones who really need to here this right now!

    Too often, people seek validation from people who don’t even matter. If your confidence is constantly based on other people’s approval, you will live a miserable, up and down life. You can’t please everybody nor should you aim to. Like you said, the only people’s opinion or criticism who should matter, are the ones who actually know you…or those who are qualified (i like this one).

    Loved this article Anne, this is a message that everyone needs to hear!
    Maurice Lindsay recently posted..26 Life-Changing Lessons From 26 Years Of LivingMy Profile

  5. Another great post Anne! Our confidence should be determined by ourselves and no one else. Our brain is greatly influenced by the day-to-day thoughts that we have, and we can wire it for success and happiness or for failure and misery – it’s up to us.
    Patricia Anderson recently posted..Great Interview on Real Talk TVMy Profile

    • Anne says:

      Well said, Patricia.

      It’s all in the wiring. Our subconscious is always awake, ready to take in what we’re thinking. We need to wire ourselves for positivity.

  6. Hello Anne

    Great! Such as wonderful post, Thanks 4 sharing.

  7. Ravin says:

    Totally agreed. Indeed and inspiring article. We should not allow others to press play / pause button of thoughts and should stick to what we believe.

  8. Projefa says:

    Thank you for sharing this great post. Very motivating for me.
    “Work out the people in your life who matter to you. Only their opinions matter.”

  9. Lexi says:

    Many people allow other people dictate how confidant they feel. Through their opinions on you, the compliments they give you, the charm, the flattery etc. We should try to find our inner confidence, and feel good about ourselves on our own. It’s called self love, and we should look for it within.
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  10. not other people will determine your confidence, YOU are the one will be handle it, from this you see what are the best things you have than, and the worst you do.

  11. dauly rani says:

    confidence is very important for every one.I think ,we determine our confidence .More knowlede have more confidence . thanks to share this blog
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  12. Jamie says:

    Confidence is very important. One way to feel confident is to make sure you are physically fit. Losing a few pounds will help to increase confidence.
    Jamie recently posted..Fat Loss Tips for MenMy Profile

  13. gogo says:

    Confidence is very important. One way to feel confident is to make sure you are physically fit. Losing a few pounds will help to increase confidence.

  14. mike gholi says:

    Confidence is an attitude

  15. Hi Anne!

    I am follower of your blog and I enjoy leaving comments as it interests me a lot. For this all I can say is, confidence starts within you. People will never be a part of it unless you let them. Such a great post. Thanks!


  16. Hi Anne,

    Thanks for this great eye – opener post.

    I agree with what you said “Work out if the people judging your confidence have any qualifications to do so. For example, do they know you well.”

    If we base our confidence in the people who judge us, we have to be sure if they are qualified. If we are affected by what people say about us but they do not have the right then we just simply give what they want.
    Patricia Anderson recently posted..Life Is Good: Mary’s StoryMy Profile

  17. This is a good story for people who want to increase their confidence any time any where. In this story you will come to know that who can help you to make you confident. Here you will also meet those people who discourage others to fulfill their aims.
    Suzuki Equator recently posted..What is an Integer in MathMy Profile

  18. How to Create a Productive Writing Environment from Helping Writers be in Charge says:

    […] Nothing will sap your confidence  and productivity quicker than frustration. If you can’t connect to do your research, you can’t complete your work. […]

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